The Not-So-Secret Diary of Aragorn Son of Arathorn

2010-07-09T10:13:00.005-05:00

Watched some fireworks the other day. Sub-par, as usual when Gandalf isn't around. Might be a dirty old bugger who hits on she-Elves thousands of years younger than him, but he sure can blow shit up.

In other news, am out of pipeweed. Has put serious damper on "brooding in dark corners" routine, especially considering an impenetrable cloud of smoke seems to be only thing that can keep obnoxious Bree-landers from making small talk while I try to enjoy a pint in the Pony.

Stubble update: short and surly.

Still not King.

2010-07-02T07:52:00.008-05:00

Found big-ass bug scratching about in my hair upon waking up this morning. Ugh. *Really* hate that. May have had bit of a conniption fit before managing to grab Sid Vicious (my pretty Elven-knife) and slice it in half. Simply cannot abide crawly things. Even that Gollum was a bit hard to handle, what with the creeping around upside down and such.

Still have not forgiven Gandalf, by the way.

Sometimes Bilbo tells me stories of Mirkwood. Have not slept a wink after hearing any of them. Poisonous tree-climbing spiders bigger than a hobbit? No thank you. Dropped that damn gangle-creature off in fancy Elf-caves and bounced faster than you could say "attercop."

Not that you would say any such thing in a place full of giant predatory arachnids.

Note to self: when King, hire exterminator. Or maybe just Mad Baggins, if he's being even half-honest about his last trip to Mirkwood.

Stubble update: scraggly and free of insects.

2010-06-22T11:30:00.011-05:00

Plighted troth with Elf-lady this weekend. Line of Isildur will live on after all. Go me!

Ha. Let's see Gandalf hit on Arwen now. No ones cares about stupid pointy hat trick when there's Sword of Elendil to be had.

In other news, have discovered giant flaming Eye also has blog. Has apparently been writing since before Sun and Moon turned up. Suppose he'll be lording that over me eventually too, along with all the usual "I'm an invincible lesser god and am slowly destroying your remaining inheritance" bullshit.

Whose idea were these Valar and Maiar asshats, anyway? One bunch does absolutely nothing but sit and whinge about their damn trees that got felled before time began, and the other lot runs up and down Middle-earth horning in on everybody's business. Of all the fucked up shit that's gone down in the last, oh, 6000 years, what hasn't been mostly or completely their fault?

While I'm at it, spawn of Fëanor are a lot of wankers, too.

Still not King yet, goddammit.

2010-05-14T13:47:00.008-05:00

Caught up with gangle-creature at last. Not bad fellow, really. A bit on scary emaciated side, and is completely, maniacally insane, but otherwise rather pleasant.

Am now positive Gandalf just getting me out of the picture so as to put moves on she-Elf. Simply will not stand for it. Off to Southfarthing to trample all the pipeweed plots. No sense waiting around for orcs to do something you can do yourself (and probably better).

Still not King.

2010-05-10T17:40:00.007-05:00

No sign of gangle-creature since last entry. Cold, hungry, and constantly pursued by servants of Sauron, increasingly so as stupid creeper's trail leads closer to Mordor. Am seriously considering setting fire to Gandalf's stupid beard.

Beginning to suspect Gandalf fancies Arwen. Why else should he send me off to other side of Middle-earth if not to horn in on pretty Elf-lady? Might be crazy old bugger, but v. handsome, and grouchy, booming voice occasionally quite a turn-on.

Really hate Gandalf. Will probably stomp on his stupid pointy hat, too.

Stubble update: surly and unwashed.

Still not King.

2010-04-14T11:13:00.012-05:00

Had news of dratted gangle-creature other day. Apparently little wanker has been stealing babies and other such mischief along Great River. Caught him in act next night on, at which point said wanker made me chase him all over goddamn hillside. Would've nabbed him, too, if not for convenient arrival of big nasty orc-tracker (now deceased, by the way). Will now likely have to traipse over other half of Middle-earth hunting him down again.

Will be sure to let Gandalf have it over previously-unmentioned big brother orc. Great big bushy beard and crazy eyes might get halflings in a nervous tiff, but will not work on Strider.

Stubble update: undesirably scruffy. Must find substitute for Elven-knife.

Not King yet.

2010-03-31T11:41:00.003-05:00

Still in Wild on stupid quest. Still no sign of stupid gangle-creature. Really hate Gandalf.

Also, stubble needs trimming and left Elven-knife in Rivendell.

Stupid Gandalf.

2010-03-22T17:27:00.014-05:00

Sorry no entries lately. Have been stewing over Gandalf quest debacle. Poncy tosser decided to blackmail me into searching for "Gollum" or whatever ridiculous name he's called. Said if I didn't bugger off and find the mangy little git he'd tell Arwen how often I wash my hair. Who does he think he is, horning in on my action? Ought to let orcs trample his precious pipeweed fields next time they wander into Southfarthing.

Stupid Gandalf.

Off in Wild now. Looking for stupid gangle-creature.

No sign yet.

2010-01-11T19:22:00.006-06:00

Took a bit ill this past weekend. V. annoying. Good thing for rugged and manly Ranger vitality, though. Was rid of silly sickness in 1d6+2 days.

Currently cooking food and drinking wine with she-Elf. V. enjoyable in contrast. Much more than stupid quests from Gandalf at any rate.

Stubble update: trimmed today. Am once again subtly but attractively hairy. Go me!

Still not King.

2010-01-03T23:15:00.010-06:00

Noble steed alive and well, surprisingly. Cold spell last few days would freeze even that flamer Haldir.

Heard Elrond sent battalion of Elves down to Isengard. Apparently unsatisfied with shipping service or something. What do you expect from orcs, anyhow? Lucky if you get them to stop eating each other, much less sort themselves into efficient postal service.

Had word from Gandalf also. Wants me to hunt down some creeper with ring fetish. Honestly, as if did not have enough to do trying to protect Shire from half-orcs and housing developers.

Elves and Wizards' fixation with jewelry absolutely infuriating. Am quite certain Middle-earth would be in no danger whatsoever if the poncy tossers hadn't spent entire Second Age exchanging goddamn promise rings.

Pff. Gandalf can stick pointy hat up his arse. Not going on any stupid quest for him.

Stubble update: long and surly.

Not King yet.

2010-01-02T07:49:00.008-06:00

Absurdly cold this morning. Hope noble steed hasn't frozen to death. Would be v. inconvenient.

Also, have felt past few days as though somebody is watching me, generally from easterly direction. Some mangy orc gotten his grubby hands on Seeing-stone, I expect. Ha. Someone's going to get stink-eye from hell when Sauron finds out.

Haha. Eye jokes never get old.

Stubble update: long and frosted.

Still not King.

2009-12-26T13:42:00.011-06:00

Have at last expatriated from Xanga, Dreadful Land of Half-orcs and Emo Kids. Not to mention obnoxious ads for weird skin creams and such. See stick-at-naught-strider.xanga.com for previous adventures.

Am somewhat disappointed with nancypants appearance of new blog, however. All default layouts obviously designed by poncy Elf-prince let loose with html editors. Signing off until suitably manly color scheme is achieved.

Edit, 11:54pm: Aha. Have found familiar color scheme while leaving behind irritating teeny-boppers with too much makeup. Go me!

For sake of having substantial entry to start with, here is most recent news:

Absolutely ridiculous amount of snow dumped on Bree in past two days. Had to shovel noble steed out twice. Gave me a look that said sure as Shiretalk "Make me traipse about in snowstorm again and I'll toss you beard-first into Crack of Doom."

Note to self: steed getting uppity. Must not let him spend any more time with poncy Elf-princes.

Since when are there blizzards in Bree, anyway? Saruman probably to blame. Has had it in for Bree-folk ever since old Barliman rocked his clock in beer-brewing contest. All his wizardry and it still tasted like moldy bread.

Now I think of it, probably explains a lot. Hired help at Isengard always so unreasonably cross. Although could be due to fact that they're all orcs.

Also, still miffed about being left out on Saruman's switch-hitting. Went to return shoddy pair of boots at Gap of Rohan only to find it staffed by grumbling Uruk-hai and shady unwashed men (no relation). How am I to defend Shire from Black Riders and such while getting lip about "malcontent" from greasy Ozzy Osbourne look-alikes? V. demoralizing.

Saruman the White. Pff. More like Saruman the Bleach-haired Corporate Wanker. Will shut him down one of these days. Orthanc belongs to me anyway, goddammit.

Stubble update: wet and frosted.

Not King yet.