Watched some fireworks the other day. Sub-par, as usual when Gandalf isn't around. Might be a dirty old bugger who hits on she-Elves thousands of years younger than him, but he sure can blow shit up.

In other news, am out of pipeweed. Has put serious damper on "brooding in dark corners" routine, especially considering an impenetrable cloud of smoke seems to be only thing that can keep obnoxious Bree-landers from making small talk while I try to enjoy a pint in the Pony.

Stubble update: short and surly.

Still not King.
Found big-ass bug scratching about in my hair upon waking up this morning. Ugh. *Really* hate that. May have had bit of a conniption fit before managing to grab Sid Vicious (my pretty Elven-knife) and slice it in half. Simply cannot abide crawly things. Even that Gollum was a bit hard to handle, what with the creeping around upside down and such.

Still have not forgiven Gandalf, by the way.

Sometimes Bilbo tells me stories of Mirkwood. Have not slept a wink after hearing any of them. Poisonous tree-climbing spiders bigger than a hobbit? No thank you. Dropped that damn gangle-creature off in fancy Elf-caves and bounced faster than you could say "attercop."

Not that you would say any such thing in a place full of giant predatory arachnids.

Note to self: when King, hire exterminator. Or maybe just Mad Baggins, if he's being even half-honest about his last trip to Mirkwood.

Stubble update: scraggly and free of insects.
Plighted troth with Elf-lady this weekend. Line of Isildur will live on after all. Go me!

Ha. Let's see Gandalf hit on Arwen now. No ones cares about stupid pointy hat trick when there's Sword of Elendil to be had.

In other news, have discovered giant flaming Eye also has blog. Has apparently been writing since before Sun and Moon turned up. Suppose he'll be lording that over me eventually too, along with all the usual "I'm an invincible lesser god and am slowly destroying your remaining inheritance" bullshit.

Whose idea were these Valar and Maiar asshats, anyway? One bunch does absolutely nothing but sit and whinge about their damn trees that got felled before time began, and the other lot runs up and down Middle-earth horning in on everybody's business. Of all the fucked up shit that's gone down in the last, oh, 6000 years, what hasn't been mostly or completely their fault?

While I'm at it, spawn of FĂ«anor are a lot of wankers, too.

Still not King yet, goddammit.
Caught up with gangle-creature at last. Not bad fellow, really. A bit on scary emaciated side, and is completely, maniacally insane, but otherwise rather pleasant.

Am now positive Gandalf just getting me out of the picture so as to put moves on she-Elf. Simply will not stand for it. Off to Southfarthing to trample all the pipeweed plots. No sense waiting around for orcs to do something you can do yourself (and probably better).

Still not King.
No sign of gangle-creature since last entry. Cold, hungry, and constantly pursued by servants of Sauron, increasingly so as stupid creeper's trail leads closer to Mordor. Am seriously considering setting fire to Gandalf's stupid beard.

Beginning to suspect Gandalf fancies Arwen. Why else should he send me off to other side of Middle-earth if not to horn in on pretty Elf-lady? Might be crazy old bugger, but v. handsome, and grouchy, booming voice occasionally quite a turn-on.

Really hate Gandalf. Will probably stomp on his stupid pointy hat, too.

Stubble update: surly and unwashed.

Still not King.
Had news of dratted gangle-creature other day. Apparently little wanker has been stealing babies and other such mischief along Great River. Caught him in act next night on, at which point said wanker made me chase him all over goddamn hillside. Would've nabbed him, too, if not for convenient arrival of big nasty orc-tracker (now deceased, by the way). Will now likely have to traipse over other half of Middle-earth hunting him down again.

Will be sure to let Gandalf have it over previously-unmentioned big brother orc. Great big bushy beard and crazy eyes might get halflings in a nervous tiff, but will not work on Strider.

Stubble update: undesirably scruffy. Must find substitute for Elven-knife.

Not King yet.
Still in Wild on stupid quest. Still no sign of stupid gangle-creature. Really hate Gandalf.

Also, stubble needs trimming and left Elven-knife in Rivendell.

Stupid Gandalf.